Sunday, January 11, 2009
Flesh is Weak
This last 16 months, since I was diagnosed with Lupus, have been some of the most frustrating of my life. Although, there is now a known cause for my episodes of exhaustion, my headaches, joint pain, muscle pain, even blurred vision and miscarriages, the calm has not arrived. Usually, for someone who has suffered a long illness, a diagnosis brings relief. I can not say this is the case. I have been given a diagnosis, but I don't fell I have been given much else. I am supposed to stay healthy, get exercise, and try to avoid getting any cold, flu, virus or other infection which could aggravate my immune system. I also should get plenty of rest, and avoid stress. All of this is easy for a stay-at-home mom with toddler twins.... oh wait, that would be if I lived in an alternate universe. In this one, it seems almost impossible. Most days, I feel blessed to have made it until my wonderful husband walks through the door.
The past few weeks, months even, have brought a deepening exhaustion. I've taken up coffee. I never really drank coffee before. I tried it in college and became so wired I could not study. All nighters were useless. I do drink soda, often two or three a day, but in comparison to a good cup of coffee, the caffeine doesn't add up. These days I am at two to three cups of coffee to make it through the day. I sleep 8 hours a night, and still find it difficult to wake up, let alone get out of bed. I eat well, get a bit of exercise and plenty of sleep. It doesn't seem to help. The doctors solution is medication. I'm not ready for medications and their list of side effects, not to mention the increased risks they bring.
The most difficult thing about Lupus is convincing people I have it, and that it can be devastating. Having only been diagnosed in the last two years, friends and family are still learning about Lupus, and what a Lupus diagnosis means. For the most part, my Lupus flares have been mild to moderate. I am always worried that they will get worse, and not taking the medications will no longer be an option. I am always worried that I will become so ill that I will not be able to care for my children. Some days, I feel like I don't do everything I could for the Snuffins. They would definitely like more trips to the park, more time playing in the vineyard, or more rounds of 'Break the Mama'. My exhaustion has already had a negative effect on the state of my home.
I get the impression sometimes, that people see me as lazy or selfish, because they don't understand the extent of the illness. This is the most frustrating part. I want to be one of those people who claims that other peoples opinions do not matter, but I am not. I don't validate myself solely on the opinions of others, but as most people, I want those opinions to be positive, to reflect the reality of my condition and personality.
My flesh has been very weary of late, but my spirit is optimistic and guided by the Father's will.
The past few weeks, months even, have brought a deepening exhaustion. I've taken up coffee. I never really drank coffee before. I tried it in college and became so wired I could not study. All nighters were useless. I do drink soda, often two or three a day, but in comparison to a good cup of coffee, the caffeine doesn't add up. These days I am at two to three cups of coffee to make it through the day. I sleep 8 hours a night, and still find it difficult to wake up, let alone get out of bed. I eat well, get a bit of exercise and plenty of sleep. It doesn't seem to help. The doctors solution is medication. I'm not ready for medications and their list of side effects, not to mention the increased risks they bring.
The most difficult thing about Lupus is convincing people I have it, and that it can be devastating. Having only been diagnosed in the last two years, friends and family are still learning about Lupus, and what a Lupus diagnosis means. For the most part, my Lupus flares have been mild to moderate. I am always worried that they will get worse, and not taking the medications will no longer be an option. I am always worried that I will become so ill that I will not be able to care for my children. Some days, I feel like I don't do everything I could for the Snuffins. They would definitely like more trips to the park, more time playing in the vineyard, or more rounds of 'Break the Mama'. My exhaustion has already had a negative effect on the state of my home.
I get the impression sometimes, that people see me as lazy or selfish, because they don't understand the extent of the illness. This is the most frustrating part. I want to be one of those people who claims that other peoples opinions do not matter, but I am not. I don't validate myself solely on the opinions of others, but as most people, I want those opinions to be positive, to reflect the reality of my condition and personality.
My flesh has been very weary of late, but my spirit is optimistic and guided by the Father's will.
Friday, January 9, 2009
New Year
At the onset of a new year, it seems like everyone begins to talk about life changes, resolutions, and new starts. Me, I'm just struggling to keep myself upright and moving forward. I have wanted the same things for quite some time, the new date on the calender changes nothing.
I want a well organized house. Hopefully this isn't as far off as it seems.
I want to be able to cook dinner every night, unless my husband wants to.
I want to have more time to knit, not just things from magazines, but my own designs. I also need time to get those down on paper before I forget them.
I want to be able to explore my love of photography.
I want to build a loving home that is a safe place for my family to grow in, go out into the world from, and be a safe place to return to.
I want to follow the path that the Father has set before me with faith, love and grace.
I want to live well.
I want a well organized house. Hopefully this isn't as far off as it seems.
I want to be able to cook dinner every night, unless my husband wants to.
I want to have more time to knit, not just things from magazines, but my own designs. I also need time to get those down on paper before I forget them.
I want to be able to explore my love of photography.
I want to build a loving home that is a safe place for my family to grow in, go out into the world from, and be a safe place to return to.
I want to follow the path that the Father has set before me with faith, love and grace.
I want to live well.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Wise Words
"You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.
You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.
You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the wage payer down.
You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred.
You cannot build character and courage by taking away men's initiative and independence.
You cannot help men permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves."
~Abraham Lincoln
You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.
You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the wage payer down.
You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred.
You cannot build character and courage by taking away men's initiative and independence.
You cannot help men permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves."
~Abraham Lincoln
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Changes
The tomatoes are beginning to wither in the garden, as are the eggplant, but the broccoli and cauliflower are starting their journey to the family's table. A few weeks ago my dh steamed a large bouquet of deep green swish chard heaped with freshly sliced tomatoes. A little salt, a little butter and a lot of indulgence in the basic flavors of two tasty vegetables, that just hours before were resting peacefully in the ever changing garden.
As we move into fall, and the rhythm of our lives change, I am even more aware of what needs to change. My house is a mess. I have been attacking the various volcanoes of clutter that have erupted in my home. Unlike other volcanoes that my create lovely island paradises, these are purely destructive. My dining room has been taken over, and a lava flow of books, mail, and knitting supplies flows into the kitchen threatening to barricade the back door. These volcanoes did not spontaneously explode overnight. They grew in elevation and strength, slowly waiting to wreck havoc on the unmotivated inhabitants of this little home.
So now, my challenge is to tackle these and other volcanoes that have been allowed to grow. I admit I have been a bit lazy. I take responsibly for their creation. I also blame my husband. We have both suffered from procrastination, or as I call it "Thank-God-the-boys-are-asleep-finally-idis" In the evening, or during naps while the boys sleep, I should be able to manage the mess that has become unmanageable, but usually I just sleep, or knit, or vedge. Occasionally I read a blog, or blog myself. I know this isn't how I should be spending my time, not all of it anyway. If I could only spend some of the boys sleeping time awake and at work, I am sure I would be able to make a mole hill out of a few of these mountains.
And so as the garden changes around my home, I feel the need to make changes inside as well. I have unearthed my home management binder from the pile next to my computer. It deserves some of my time, as does the message center in the kitchen. I already have a schedule for cleaning the house, in which I deal with one room each day, and tackle any hot spots in the evening after the boys go to bed. I just need to make the cleaning schedule coincide better with the boys' schedule, and find some evening inspiration. And I need to wear my apron more. It really does help dressing for the job to be done.
Change does not come easy. It is my hope that the reward of having a cleaner, more organized home, and a happier husband, will make the work required for change easier.
As we move into fall, and the rhythm of our lives change, I am even more aware of what needs to change. My house is a mess. I have been attacking the various volcanoes of clutter that have erupted in my home. Unlike other volcanoes that my create lovely island paradises, these are purely destructive. My dining room has been taken over, and a lava flow of books, mail, and knitting supplies flows into the kitchen threatening to barricade the back door. These volcanoes did not spontaneously explode overnight. They grew in elevation and strength, slowly waiting to wreck havoc on the unmotivated inhabitants of this little home.
So now, my challenge is to tackle these and other volcanoes that have been allowed to grow. I admit I have been a bit lazy. I take responsibly for their creation. I also blame my husband. We have both suffered from procrastination, or as I call it "Thank-God-the-boys-are-asleep-finally-idis" In the evening, or during naps while the boys sleep, I should be able to manage the mess that has become unmanageable, but usually I just sleep, or knit, or vedge. Occasionally I read a blog, or blog myself. I know this isn't how I should be spending my time, not all of it anyway. If I could only spend some of the boys sleeping time awake and at work, I am sure I would be able to make a mole hill out of a few of these mountains.
And so as the garden changes around my home, I feel the need to make changes inside as well. I have unearthed my home management binder from the pile next to my computer. It deserves some of my time, as does the message center in the kitchen. I already have a schedule for cleaning the house, in which I deal with one room each day, and tackle any hot spots in the evening after the boys go to bed. I just need to make the cleaning schedule coincide better with the boys' schedule, and find some evening inspiration. And I need to wear my apron more. It really does help dressing for the job to be done.
Change does not come easy. It is my hope that the reward of having a cleaner, more organized home, and a happier husband, will make the work required for change easier.
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